Parental expectations are the hopes, dreams and fears parents have about their children as they grow and how they will turn out upon maturation.
Parental expectations have a colossal role in the day-to-day life of a child and how the child grows. For most children, especially at tender ages between 0-5 years, their sense of self-worth largely depends on how the primary caregiver (parent, nanny or teacher) sees her. Her esteem raises and falls based on whether her actions are in alignment with what is expected of her.
As parents and caregivers, we do have expectations on our children. We judge and analyse them with profound keenness inspecting whether they meet our expectations or not. Without a solid understanding of how a parents’ expectations affect the child, the parent unknowingly leans on less effective communication and correcting measures.
As as example, when a child does not meet the parent’s expectation, the parent addresses her with an angry, sour even condescending tone. This way of communicating feedback is not helpful at all in helping the child improve or meet the mutually agreed-upon expectations. As explained below, to help you nurture your child well, keep expectations at bay and choose to believe in your child.
You have to understand from your core that your child will be affected by the expectations you have upon her. Whether implicit or clearly communicated, your expectations will shape the expectations she has of herself.
Where do expectations come from?
In every relationship, there are expectations. Most parents expect their children to prosper in the future. This leads them to work hard, counsel and nurture their children so as to realise this dream. This is called intrinsic expectation – it comes from deep within a parent.
There are also other sources of expectations like school, friendships, religious organizations, culture and family. They all influence the expectations parents have on their children.
As the child grows, and with proper guidance, she starts to set her own expectations. This is the hallmark of a child who is self-driven, confident and self-assured.
Allow your child to define her own expectations are and keep shaping them as she grows. Being open, having frank communication, accepting and willing to counsel your child and change your perceptions are key ingredients in maintaining managing expectations from both parties.
Working and sharing with other trusted and older parents goes a long way in helping you manage the expectations you have on your children.
Types of parental expectations
There are two main expectations parents have on their children. Other expectations lie in the continuum between the two.
- Positive expectations
- Negative expectations
In their own standing, the expectations are innocuous. Just like emotions, they only take form once acted upon or left unaddressed. Let us examine each parental expectation and how it affects a growing child.
1. Positive expectations
Having positive expectations of your child goes a long way in equipping her with adeptness, confidence and self-esteem. When you have positive expectations, you are more likely to go beyond your way to help your child because you care about not only about the outcome, but importantly about the process and who your child is becoming.
Positive expectations, however, taken to the extreme have catastrophic ramifications on a growing child. This is more so if as a parent, you are overly critical to your child if she fails to meet the set expectations. The child is crushed every time they do not meet the expectations and this affects how they see themselves.
You need to be compassionate, open-minded and empathic. This will help you understand that your child is human and she will fail to meet your expectations too many times. The sagacious thing to do is to separate your child from the expectations you have and see her as a person worthy of love, freedom to make learning mistakes and offering continuous support.
Balancing extreme positive expectations:
Having only positive expectations of your child is a catastrophe in waiting. Much as this is the best way to view a child, it is a disaster if a child fails to live up to the expectations. To balance the positive expectations, you need to consider what the opposite of meeting those expectations would be. Doing this helps you to be more realistic on what you expect of your child and importantly, whether your acceptance of your child is based on the expectations you have on her.
When you are balanced in the expectations you have upon your child, the child relaxes and is more emotionally stable. This is because she does not tie your parental love, care and support to whether or not she has met your expectations.
As your child grows and forms her individual self, you need to increasingly encourage her to come up with her own expectations of herself and help her attain them. Be exceedingly wary of criticizing your child when she fails to meet her own expectations. Instead, do a postmortem and help her correct, learn and move on.
Failing to allow your child to set her own expectations will create dependency upon you or authority figures. This will lead the child to atrophy when your guidance is no longer there. This phenomenon is uniquely observed in the sharp downward avalanche in academic performance when pupils transition from private primary schools to public secondary schools.
When you are honest with the capabilities of your child, you are in a better position to ask for help or encourage her to set the bar high on herself. This honesty is what for instance, might prevent the sharp academic decline.
2. Negative expectations
Negative expectation is seeing and expecting the worst in your child. This type of expectation is what has crippled many children in different spheres of their lives. What you expect, the child acts in accordance and delivers. This happens mostly when the negative expectation is taken to the extreme. What you need to understand deep down is that your child being very perceptible by your view towards her, believes it to be true of herself.
It is imprecise to cast judgement on your child based on whether or not she has met your expectations. A child who meets expectations can deteriorate and leave you scratching your head for answers while a child who does not meet expectations can make a turnaround and surprise you.
Areas where parents have negative expectations
- When a child is involved in disciplinary issues
- When a child repeatedly performs poorly in school
- When a child does not complete her work or is generally disinterested.
When a child is involved in any of the above, how the parent, teacher, and close caregivers go about correcting or helping makes or breaks the child. If a child is repeatedly involved in discipline issues, it is much easier to form judgment and to expect more trouble from the child than to counsel, guide and actively look for the good in the child.
The child thus, feels like no one notices the good in them and slowly convinced that since she is always in trouble, she is a trouble maker. The expectations we have about children affects them in a much deeper level than we can comprehend. Always seek to connect and see the child as a person worth of doing good and notice the good deeds. This is how a child makes a change in the behavior.
It is also worth noting that believing in your child cannot exist together with having negative expectations. Always chose to believe in your child as an antidote to holding negative expectations. When you do this, you will communicate, nurture and correct from a place of empathy and understanding which are key in helping a child improve in the wanting areas.
Negative expectations help in seeing your child objectively.
Negative expectations can help you have an even-handed judgment on your child. This is because, as a parent, you are forced to look at your worst parenting fears and get answers. As an example, if you have high moral expectations on your child, having negative expectations will compel you to ask yourself how you would react if your child flaunts your acceptable moral standards. Will you still be loving and accepting of her? Will you reject her? Will you try to change her?
Most parents would rather live in oblivion of negative expectations than face them head-on and look for solutions. This is often a recipe for disaster years down the line. We are all capable of both good and evil. As the wise said, “muui huwa mwema” and “all that glitters is not gold.”
For every positive expectation you have on your child, inspect the extreme opposite and ask yourself how you would handle it. This might take a while. But the more often you do, the more understanding you will be towards your child. It will also create a more harmonious relationship between you and your child.
Ambivalent expectations
These are neither positive nor negative expectations of the child. Being neutral poses its own negative and positive ramifications. The positive is that both you and your child are off the hook of working hard and taking responsibility when things go south.
The negative ramification is that years down the line, there is a possible resentment of your child towards you as the parent when she fails in life, and as a parent living in lifelong regret as to what you would have done better.
Expectations are a continuum. An extreme case of ambivalence that closely borders negative expectations is indifference. This means not being affected by the actions or lack thereof of your child. The child, as is, is left to self-lead or self-parent. This is a very heavy load to place upon a child and the child might resent you especially when she needs guidance and you are unavailable, unwilling or task her to figure things out.
Conclusion
As a parent, you need to guide your child throughout the growth and developmental stages. You need to have reasonable expectations for each of your children. Notwithstanding, you need to balance each expectation you have with its antipode. Positive with negative. Negative with positive. Keep off from being ambivalent and the cancerous indifferent expectation.
As your child grows, teach her to set her own expectations and guide her in the best possible ways on how to meet those expectations. Do not abdicate this duty too soon. If you do, you take away your sagely influence upon her.