Children show and receive parental love in a number of ways. From infancy, children are attached to parents and caregivers who provide for them, keep them safe and also meet their psychological and social needs.

This is the reason why researchers in early childhood development like Bowlby emphasize the need for parents to be close and attuned not only to the physical needs but also the emotional and psychological needs of their children. The intimacy between a parent and child forms the foundation upon which all her relationships will be.

This post will show you six ways your child experiences parental love both physically and psychologically.

Remember, children who lack maternal and parental love grow up with psychological distress and carry a lot of psychological pain throughout life.

Suggested reading : pain and struggles of the undermothered child

1. Children experience parental love via their senses

Children yearn to see, hear, smell and touch their parents. Newborns and infants identify their mothers via the sense of smell, sight and hearing. This is more nuanced in children below the age of three who have not yet learnt to effectively express themselves by talking. This interaction through senses helps a child and parent (mother in particular) develop an attachment to each other.

This need to feel the parent through the senses is evident in older children as well. For instance, when they miss a parent, they might call to inquire about the parent’s whereabouts or linger around the parent when he/she comes home. Some older children hug their parents longer – similar to what young children do. This is an excellent display of affection towards the parent.

Strive to be available, open and easily accessible to your child. A teenager or young adult may not tell you they need to be around you, but they get distressed when they cannot see, hear, touch or experience you via the senses. Children of all ages, including adult children with aged parents, are at peace when they can hear, see and touch their parents.

2. Children experience parental love via a feeling of sameness

Children will only seek sameness if they feel attached or have a sense of love towards the parent. They do this by imitation and emulation. A girl might try to dress like the mother while a boy might try to fix stuff or watch a game like daddy. When your child is copying your ways, it is because he feels he is strongly connected to you.

This mirroring and seeking sameness is more nuanced in children under 7 years and becomes less blurred as the children reach late childhood and teenagehood. During this time, they seek to norm and emulate their peers. If you pay close attention, you will still see your child emulating you. This is a good sign that signifies your child values you and it is easier for you to influence him.

3. Children experience parental love by displaying signs of possessiveness

This is the quality of excessive claim of ownership over a parent or both parents. Each sibling dreams of solely owning the parents without sharing. This is a feeling carried from when the child was still in the womb and when he was still an infant. During this period, the world consisted of only the mother and the child. This exclusivity of owning the mother slowly fades away as the child grows and other children are born. But the secret yearning to be the only one in the mother’s world is still alive.

As the child grows, she learns to share daddy and mummy. It becomes more important for the parent to maintain a solid and individual bond with each child. When there is a special child, or an externalizer (a child who is always in trouble or likes to be the centre of attention for example) parents might allocate more time to these children with special needs and ignore or naturally limit the time they allocate to others.

Much as the other children appear to understand the overstretched parent, deep down they feel and experience a deep unsettling sense of loneliness and abandonment. This can lead to a number of issues like feeling unworthy, resenting the parent, minimising own needs, etc.

4. Children experience parental love via feeling significant to you

Children feel loved and cared for when they know they matter to their parents. This is more evident when children fervently seek to please and gain your approval. When children feel that they are significant to the parent, especially the mother in younger children, they establish a solid foundation In their abilities and are less likely to be crippled by imposter syndrome.

When children do not have a feeling of being important enough and that they matter to their parents, they grow up unsure of themselves. They always seek approval from others to compensate for what they did not get from their parents. A common manifestation of this is repressing their needs and taking on inferior roles in relationships.

5. Children experience parental love by being emotionally intimate with the parent

Emotional intimacy between a parent and child is described as warm, affectionate and loving feelings towards each other. Children experience this deep emotional connection to the parent when the parent is non-judgemental and accepting towards the child. The child thus relaxes knowing he is loved as he is.

Emotional intimacy between a parent and a child can not flourish if either holds feelings of anger or resentment. As a parent, maintaining openness and having the quality of forgiving easily makes it easy for both you and your child to reach out and repair the relationship when it falters.

Emotional intimacy is very important when children reach adolescence. The more a child feels closely attached to his parent, the safer he feels to share his hopes, fears and dreams. This makes him less prone to engaging in impulsive behaviours, getting into sexual attachments and succumbing to peer pressure. Most of these behaviours result from the child being emotionally close with peers or a friend of the opposite sex who meets this deep psychological need.

6. Children experience parental love by feeling known

Children feel cherished when a parent knows them uniquely. For a child, this goes beyond the physical and is experienced on a psychological level. The child, for instance, feels that the parent is the only person who truly feels and understands him.

When you know your child at this level, he feels loved and cherished by you. He will do more of the things that foster a close bond with you and will want to keep that closeness. Knowing a child on a deeper level requires spending time together and really listening to him as he speaks to you. Your undivided attention helps the child feel understood and hence feel known.

When a child does not feel known, he experiences alienation. This alienation could lead the child to cease trying to connect with you because there is no ‘home’ for him in you. He feels estranged. This leads the child to form close friendships with peers or to get in trouble so as to get your attention and to be known to you been if through notoriety.