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Teenagehood is marked with astronomical physical, emotional and mental growth. Notably, the teenager’s brain undergoes unparalleled rapid growth and development. This key maturation process, coupled with the quest of autonomy and individuation from the family, makes teenagehood years confusing and challenging to the parent as well as to the teen himself.

The following are 19 insights for raising teens to keep in mind in this tempestuous development period.

1. Make rules and reinforce them

Rules stipulate what is acceptable and what is not. Every home has rules which family members abide by. Upon reaching teenagehood, some children think they can bend the rules or that the rules do not apply to them. This is natural process of growth as they are detaching from the family and seeking autonomy. Teens are still growing and need to observe and adhere to the rules you have set for them.

The growth to autonomy happens with containment. The rules you lay down serve as the containment vessel.

The best analogy of autonomy within containment is a sand pit in a kindergarten. It has a plenty of different activities for the children to choose. Notably there is also a distinct fence which is the boundary enclosing the children in a safe environment. In the sand pit, there is always a teacher whose purpose is to offer help when needed.

In teens case, the sand pit and the many activities in there symbolises autonomy of the teen, the fence symboloses the rules or boundaries you have for them while the teacher represents parents and caregivers who lay down the rules and reinforce consequences thereof.

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2. Show respect and except it in return

Teens need to emulate respect in order to adopt it as a way of life. Home is the best place to model respect. You need to articulate how you want your growing child to show respect towards you, other adults, siblings, relatives and friends.

Your child’s view of respect will be in alignment with how you treat your spouse, how you treat your children, workers and most importantly, how you speak about others when they are not present.

Teenagehood is marked by a change in attitude which parents quickly deduce as a lack of respect. This comes as a shock even to the child himself. It happens as the child is exercising his assertiveness, speaking his mind and taking up space as himself.

These new feelings and emotions are new and at times alien to him. What you need to do is encourage this autonomy while providing guidance on how he can be himself while being cosiderate of others alongside modelling the respect.

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3. Deal with aberrant behaviour ASAP

Teenagers like trying new things and testing boundaries. They have no fear of consequences because the prefrontal cortex – which is the brains logical processing unit has not fully developed to factor in cosequensecs when they are making decisions.

For instance, most teenagers will prefer to play onlinline games or chat with their peers instead of doing homework or revising for an exam even after being warned that they might fail.

Teenagers are prone to get into undesirable behaviour because their brain uses the amygdala as opposed to the prefrontal cortex (which is more logical and rational) to make decisions.The amygdala is associated with emotional, aggressive and impulsive behaviours.

As a parent, always be open to any news that will come your way regarding your teenager. Counsel with love and understanding. However, if the child continues with the undesirable behaviour, then you have to take corrective measures. As explained in point 1, teens need rules to abide by and they have to face consequences for not adhering to them.

Allowing your teen to face consequences for their actions helps in deterring bad behaviours and putting a stop to the ones already acquired.

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4. Embody a concerned parent

Nothing confuses a teenager as much as a parent who all of a sudden drops out of his life. Boys need dads and other adult male figures to guide and model manhood. Girls need mothers and other adult female role models to model womanhood. Both teenage boys and girls need parents, caregivers and role models from the opposite gender to model how to interact respectfully with the opposite sex.

No matter how mature and responsible your teen behaves, he needs your care, concern and nurturing.

Concern is a deep desire to understand your teen and to be ready to offer support and encouragement to them. This does not mean alleviating their pain, but rather, holding space for them and offering necessary support as they try to figure things out. They need to feel your presence and that they are not alone.

Pushing your way, demanding perfection and adopting a helicopter type of parent will hinder the individuation process of the child and annihilate his developing autonomy.

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5. Teach and reinforce safety measures

While they were young, you had safety measures in pace e.g covering sockets and putting dangerous objects out of sight and reach. Much as they have outgrown these safety hazards, there are dangers at every age. In teenage years, these hazards include, peer pressure, bullying, online harassment and sexual exploitation from trusted adults.

Much as you cannot be with your teen 24/7 to provide security, you can put measures in place which are both within your control and within your teen’s control, to help mitigate physical, verbal, mental and emotional harassment.

Examples of such measures are:

1. Time limits on when they are expected back home
2. Parental control on channels to watch and sites to visit
3. Which parties to attend and which ones not to
4. Which friends to have
5. How long to stay while visiting a friend
6. Time allowed on digital devices like phones and tablets
7. Restricting the use of electronic devices at certain places and past certain hours
8. Showing them how to block and report online bullies
9. Encouraging them to report any form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse

Your teenager depends on you to make him feel secure both in real life and online. It is your duty to take any complains from him seriously and act.

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6. Be proactive and mitigate mental health challenges

Mental illness is common and on the rise among teens today. According to child psychologists, most mental health issues begin to be outwardly seen in teenagehood. From depression, body harm, attempted suicide to substance use. Most often, these issues take time to develop and by the time of notice, it is almost always too late.

Being proactive helps mitigate the advancement of most mental illnesses.

Being proactive means listening to your child, talking to teachers and friends about the behaviors of your child and most importantly, listening to your spouse about the state of your child. Being curious as long as you are a parent goes along way in helping to notice a change in behaviour and taking corrective measures.

Other things that play a part in mental illness include the inability of the child to cope with the emotional distress due to divorce, separation or death of a loved one, despair, and extremely low self-esteem among others. During these major emotional times seeking professional help is the best alternative. More on this on point 10 below.

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7. Use your best judgement and intuition

Most often, a parent’s intuition serve as a nudge to be curious about the life of their teen. It is an unsettling feeling that lingers around and does not go away unless you act. It is better to act and find out there was nothing to worry about than to wait and regret.

Having spend so much time with your child, your judgement about your child becomes well tuned and you are able to notice changes in behaviour, communication, sleeping patterns or changes in other areas of your teen’s life.

As a rule, if you feel something is off, always seek to find out if all is well with your teen.

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8. Model and except civil behaviour and participation

Civility is accepting and respecting the fact that people are different and hold diverse outlook towards life and striving to maintain healthy social relationships with them.

Civility calls for respecting people’s differences and working in harmony with them. It means advocating for ones needs in a group setting while respecting the needs of others. Parents show civility when they accept their teen’s changing values and beliefs to reflect who he is growing into within the boundaries that they have brought him up in.

Parents also model civility when they speak with respect and consideration toward those who are different from them with regards to religion, political stand, traditions, culture etc. When your child sees you interacting and participating in activities with people from different backgrounds, he learns civility from observation.

Your teen will increasingly meet with people from diverse backgrounds as he joins high school, collge, university and workplace. Being civil helps your teen navigate social settings with ease and maintain positive and enjoyable relations with people of different backgrounds.

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9. Encourage responsibility, productivity and autonomy

Responsibility means the teen can demonstrate control over his life. This is mainly on matters that concern his studies, personal belongings, organising and maintaining personal spaces as well as caring for young ones when the need arises. A teenager who is growing in personal responsibility does most of these things without needing to be reminded all the time. Responsibility is developed over time ideally from early childhood.

Productivity means judicious use of ones time by prioritising high value activities such as studies, chores and acquisition of skills above low value activities such as watching tv or gaming hours on end. A teen becomes productive when you set a structure and lead in adhering to it. As an example, if you have a timetable for studies, chores, shopping, social and leisure to enforce during long holidays, the teen by default becomes more productve than if you don’t have one in place. Encouraging your teen to set his own study time table to use in school goes along way in reinforcing judicious use of his time when he is away from home.

Encouraging autonomy helps the teen develop AGENCY – the ability to think independently, make good decisions and act without external influence.

Autonomy means self-leadership and being able to progressively make right choices regarding ones life. Developing autonomy is key as your teen grows to be an independent adult. To encourage this in your teen, be open and accepting to his unique values, strengths and weaknesses. Strive to be available so as to offer expedient guidance and support when the need arises.

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10. Seek professional help if your child develops repeated or prolonged signs of depression, body harm, suicide threats or extreme negative self-talk

As explained in point 6, take preventative measures as soon as you notice extreme or worrying behaviour change in your teen. There are professionals equipped to help teenagers navigate complex mental, emotional and psychological ailments. In case of substance use, there are rehabilitation centers that can be of great help to affected teens and equip the family with necessary emotional tools and skills to deal with addiction in yhe family.

Remember, it is never too early to seek treatment.

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11. Keep counselling your child on the adverse effects of drugs, alcohol, gambling and online addictions

During teenage years, your teens brain is at its fastest growth. This means that new brain connections are formed rapidly. With this accelerated brain growth, it is very easy to become addicted to stimulating activities and substances that produce dopamine, reduce anxiety and prevent or delay sleep.

The reason your teens brain becomes an easy prey to addiction is because by default, the teen brain craves constant stimulation either from substances, sporting activity, chatting or hanging out with friends over mundane activities such as studying or chores.

The key is to understand this and use it to your advantage by providing regular blocks of free time for your teen to catch up with friends, get physical play and other mentally stimulating activities like gaming, puzzles, rubiks cubes, reading teen mystery thrillers, comic books, sudoku etc.

Strive to have a right mixture of the different activities to mitigate defaulting to electronic use or over reliance on friends to alleviate boredom. Also remain aware of who your teen’s friends are to avoid hanging out with the wrong company which is likely to introduce drugs, alcohol use or other unwanted habits.

As an ongoing activity, make it your top priority to talk to your child regularly about the adverse effects of drugs and alcohol abuse. Most of this is covered in the Kenyan basic learning institutions curriculum. Your work is to repeat, repeat and repeat.

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12. Introduce home based finance lessons

Teenagehood is a transitory period to adulthood. One of the lessons you need to equip your child with is financial literacy. Ideally, this period should be used to enhance and put into practice what you have taught your child since childhood.

After high school comes tertiary learning which is marked by increased pocket money or his first paying job. Without proper knowledge on how to handle money, the young adult is prone to make a lot of mistakes that he could have avoided had he been equipped with basic money knowledge.

Here is a free downloadable Home Finance Guide to help you as you educate your teen.

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13. Apologise when you err against your child

At some point in your parenting, you will hurt your child and cause him so much pain. The honourable thing to do is to apologise and reasure him that you will take care not to offend him again.

Your teen does not need a perfect parent but a parent who tries to make sure things dont remain sour between you and him.

By apologising, you model civility and respect to your teen. Remember, teens do as you do and not as you say.

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14. See things from your teen’s perspective

Your teen is growing and has a very different attitude towards life. This period is marked with increased awareness of the world and teenagers are in the labyrinth of establishing a place for themselves. Whether you like it or not, they will try out many things to see how they will fit in and serve the world. For this to happen, they have to constantly test the waters by trying out many different activities.

Seeing the world how your child sees it makes it easier to guide him as he will feel understood. He will be open to ask for your help and guidance whenever he gets stuck. Aligning your parenting to your teens growth makes it easier for both of you. Forcing your way is a recipe for dissent and rebellion. The last thing a teen wants is to feel controlled.

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15. Be reliable and available

Inasmuch as teenagers act independent, they are still children and need your presence and guidance. When your child is in trouble, the first person to reach out to is the parent. Teenagers who are alienated from their parents are an easy prey for sexual preditors, drug dealers and conmen. They are also more likely to fall into negative peer pressure, depression and addictions.

When you are constantly unavailable, your teen feels anxious, scared and alone.

Teenagers need lots of reassurance from their parents that they will always be there especially during early and mid teenage years. If you are unreliable and unavailable due to work or other personal issues, your child might fall into wrong hands which are always available and ready to guide your teen in the wrong direction.

As explained in my book, Parenting With Intent, if you are away for some reason, build a network of people who will help your teenager. Most times your teen depends on you are:

1. Help with homework
2. Getting to a party and leaving for home
3. Money to buy basic personal stuff and little pleasurable luxuries
4. Emotional support when he is feeling down due to poor academic performance, a break up or when grieving
5. When they are alone eg on travel, home alone or in a new social setting
6. Emotional and psychological support when they get sick

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16. Be attuned to the changing values of your child

Being a transitory phase, teenagehood is marked with an abrupt shift in values. Notably, being obsessed with self (teen narcissism), being obsessed with what other people think about them thereby being extremely cautious and sensitive, and friendships taking over family when it comes to relationships.

Instead of being reactionary, understand that this is a key developmental phase. Gently reminding your teen to be mindful of others and maintaining civility is key in helping him pass this phase unscathed. These ephemeral values help the teen establish himself as independent being from the family in preparation for adulthood.

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17. Practice active listening

Some teenagers become more reserved and tend to keep stuff to themselves. In order to understand what is going on in your teens life, being an active listener goes long way. Asking open ended questions invites your teen to talk. Keeping the conversation on things he likes makes you interesting to him.

As a secret, avoid asking why questions. These questions make the teen feel incompetent and puts then on the defensive. It shuts down any further meaningful communication. Instead, ask questions relating to your childs interests and get curious.

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18. Remain curious about your child

Teenagehood is marked with so much anxiety. Teenagers are constantly worried about how they perform against their own expectations, how well they perform against their parents’ expectations and how well they measure up compared to their peers.

This is too much taxation to the mental and emotional faculties of your teen and may cause undesired consequences. Being curious on the life of your child and ensuring he is not having unrealistic expectations is key. Also, having realistic expectations based on the strengths and weaknesses of your child helps your teen to gain self acceptance.

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19. Introduce basic negotiation skills

To negotiate is to have a dialogue with the aim of reaching mutually satisfying end. In earlier years, you were the spokesman to your child. In teen years, however, you slowly pass the mantle to him. Inculcating basic negotiating skills helps your child stay alert and safe from exploitation by dubious friends and people.

The following are the basics to equip your teen

1. To be articulate on what he desires form a relationship or a purchasing deal – this is the basis of preparation for negotiation. Your teen must know with precision what they need from an interaction either with self or an external party. This desires also contain the minimum values that the teen requires to be met, what he is bringing to the table and what he cannot go above or below.
2. To be in alignment with his values – As explained earlier, teenagers are narcissistic and care way too much on what others think about them. This makes then very vulnerable to a depressed state after rejection – whether perceived or real. Teens are quick to blame themselves as inadequate, unpopular or unlucky. Help your teen transcend beyond self-absorption to embodying other values like teamwork and acquisition of skills. Encourage you teen to notice growth which happens each time the he overcomes rejection. The more the values your teen has, the easier it is to successfully negotiate. Remind your teen to always stick to his values. This helps him build integrity.
3. To have alternatives – This is key. Going to a negotiation without alternatives makes it easy to be exploited. As an example, if your child has 600 shillings and wants to buy a silver hooded sweater, having alternatives means spending time to window shop. By increasing alternatives, the teen learns to know what works for him, what is below his standard, what is beyond his standard and what he can afford. As explained in the Finance Download, there is a product in the market place for every pocket size.
4. To know his BATNA (Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement). This is derived from having alternatives. The best alternative is the best outcome that meets the need, values, price and the teen’s requirements. It is impossible to have the best alternative if the teen does not have enough alternatives, values or requirements compared to other alternatives.
5. To know his WATNA (Worst Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement). WATNA is getting the worst out of a negotiation. This happens when the teen gets the short end of the stick. It can be brought about by many factors such as inexperience in negotiating, sacrificing his own values, not being prepared well enough, impetience or falling into the hands of a master manipulator. Basically, it serves as a reminder to always be alert and prepared as he enters any negotiation.
6. To always know that his highest negotiating power is the ability to walk away. This is the final and most precious negotiating rule. Your teen needs to know that it is better to walk away than to sacrifice his values, requirementsor stretch himself beyond his capacity to obtain something. The ability to walk away is the ultimate negotiating power.