It is perilous to think that perfection in any relationship is attainable. All relationships including parent-child require cultivation, patience and a willingness to repair when things go South. Nurturing the relationship that you have with your child is an ongoing process. It starts before birth and stretches to when your child is grown and no longer under your care.
Most parent-child relatIonships falter when the children reach teenagehood and early adulthood. This is because children at this age value their friendships more. Parents also feel that their children are now more independent and need them less. This is far from the truth. Children, even in adulthood, still have a need to be close to their parents. Even in cases where there was neglect or abuse, some adult children still yearn to reconnect and iron things out with their parents. Nothing can fill the gap of a missing parent.
Below are some ways to improve and maintain the relationship you have with your child especially as they enter teenagehood and adulthood.
1. Make time
Children equate quality time with love. This holds true not only for young children but for teens and young adults as well. Their preference for bonding time changes (mostly from day to late night) as they grow and it’s upon you to be flexible. If you want your children to share with you about their lives, you have to be interested in it first. Bond over activities they like e.g playing games, shopping, dancing, listening to their music, etc. When your growing child feels he can welcome you in his space, he is likely to be open to your guidance and parental nurturing.
2. Give up perfection
Just as individuals are flawed, so are relationships. There exists no perfect person and consequently, relationships are made up of imperfect people. This holds true for parent-child relationships as well. Wanting the relationship with your child to be perfect stems from an inability to accept your own shortcomings. When you live in oblivion to your weaknesses, you delude yourself that you are perfect. You then project this veneer of perfection onto your most treasured relationships notably with your spouse and children.
Kinships and friendships held by this falsehood are characterised by people pleasing, minimising needs and inauthenticity. The relationship is an act void of true intimacy and deep connection. What happens is that the child grows distant from you when he grows tired of acting. He starts avoiding you while cultivating meaningful relationships with other people who truly accept him for who he is.
3. Do your inner work
Most relationship problems arise from an individual’s estranged relationship with self. A dysfunctional relationship with oneself leads to deficient relationships with others. As explained in point 2, when you accept your flaws and work towards improving the relationship with yourself, your relationships transform. You cannot enjoy a harmonious relationship with your child when you are always at war with your inner child.
Doing the inner work, especially in addressing your relationship with your parents and learning to reparent your inner child, goes a long way in improving how you relate with your children. Parenting your children becomes spiritual when you address the hopes, dreams and expectations you had growing up under your parents and accepting what they were able to give and provide for you.
When you make peace with what your parents were able to give you and forgive them for the pain they caused you, you parent your children from a compassionate, whole and conscious place. By healing yourself, the relationship you have with your children become better.
4. Have boundaries
I have exhaustively covered how to model boundaries in your teen in this post. Boundaries help individuals maintain a sense of self when in a relationship. They help individuals articulate their needs and communicate what they can give and what they are incapable of giving. when it comes to parent-child relationships, boundaries help annihilate codependency. This is where the parent or child takes on the role of always ensuring the other person is not experiencing any physical or emotional discomfort.
Boundaries in parent-child relationships help the child to develop emotional and relational autonomy and develop self-awareness. When the child has these qualities, he has a better chance to develop a good relationship with himself.
5. Listen to your child
You only get to know your child if he shares his life with you. The first point was to deliberately spend time doing activities your child enjoys. The other way is to hear his perspectives, views opinions and thoughts on various matters. The more you listen, the more your child shares.
Parents mistake always giving advice and sharing their stories for bonding with their children. The more you talk, the less your child talks and the more he feels unheard. He disengages during communication or uses few words or nods. When you learn to truly listen and hold space for your child, you improve the relationship you have with her.
6. Practice acceptance
Accept the parent you are. Appreciate the positive changes you have done to enhance the quality of your parent-child relationship. Accept the things you are completely unable to do for your child. No parent can meet all the needs and demands of their children. Being good enough is enough.
Accept who your child is. His weaknesses, strengths, hopes and dreams. Avoid comparing children or having favourites. Accept every child and treat each uniquely because no two children are alike. Parent-child relationships greatly improve when parents and growing children accept each other and give up wanting each other to be the ideal they hope for.
When parents wholly accept their children, the children learn to accept themselves and consequently show up in relationships with authenticity.
7. Seek professional help
Not all parent-child relationships are smooth. Some parents lack the know-how to maintain a harmonious relationship with their children. Reasons may vary from a difficult childhood, personality predispositions, substance use or prolonged illness. Whatever the reason, children have no other parents and they still need a stable parent-child relationship to undergo healthy development.
If for one reason or another, you feel the relationship between you and your child is getting out of hand, reaching out for help is an act of courage. At times, we need someone to hold our hands so we can show up for our children in the best possible way. On the same token, if you notice some things in your child that worry you, reaching out for help for your child might be the best step to take. As parents, our understanding of our children is limited when a child is battling addiction, depression or mental illness and only a trained person can be of help.
8. Encourage and support your child’s friendships
By encouraging friendships with other children, your child develops important relationship skills. You cannot be the only or primary friend of your child. You play a pivotal role in the relationships your child has but you need to encourage and nurture his other friendships.
This post-10-key-relationship-skills-to-model-in-your-teen details how you can help your child make and keep healthy relationships. When your child has rich friendships from school, church, cousins and neighbours, he learns that different people fill in his relationship needs uniquely. The more harmonious relationships your child has, the more special your time together becomes.