Raising young adults and teenagers is very different from raising younger children. Teenagers and young adults are fully aware that they are separate and independent beings from their parents. They are also more aware of their departure from the family to start living independently. Therefore, they are more concerned about friendships, communities and career choices that will establish their foundation in the outside world.
In my book Parenting With Intent, I explain the different stages a family goes through from forming to adjourning. How well your teen and young adult assimilate and form deep meaningful relationships with other people outside the family will be dependent on the relationship she has with her parents and other family members.
This blog post will cover how you can equip your child with relational skills to navigate the friendships she will form. If you do not take time to teach your child how to relate well with others, your child will grow up not understanding why she cannot keep relationships. Here are 10 relationship skills to model in your teen and young adult.
1. Look forward to spending time with your teen
This means blocking time out on your calendar to spend with your teen or young adult child. Teenagers and young adults are hot targets for many people with different agendas. Gamers want your teen addicted to their games and purchase their merchandise. Betting companies want your teen and young adult to spend all their cash on betting with the lure of an easy win. Beauty companies want your teens to buy all sorts of beauty products and fashion to look pretty.
Strive to maintain the bond with your child to help him navigate the many temptations, lures and pitfalls that are prevalent in the world. When you schedule and prioritise spending time with your teen, they learn that they are important and also learn to make time for important relationships.
2. Honour and keep your word
Nothing breaks a teen’s trust more than a broken promise. When you dishonour your word, you teach your child that it is ok for other people to let him down. You teach your growing teen to allow others to disappoint him as they please. When you honour your word, your child feels respected, valued and worthy. These are the qualities you reinforce in him when you keep your word.
On the same token, hold your child accountable to honour his word and fulfil his promises. Doing this helps him grow as a trustworthy person. Openly share how it makes you feel when he keeps his word and encourage him to be judiscious of peers who do not keep their word. Be accountable, expect it from your teen and encourage him to speak out when his peers act in contrary.
3. Model repairing the relationship when you cross paths with your teen
It is normal that at some point you will cross paths with your teen or young adult child. It is crucial to initiate the repair process and bring your relationship to equilibrium. When you model repairing relationships, you teach your child to speak up when things are not going well in his future relationships. Encourage your child to initiate the repair process when he feels the relationship is off. This helps the growing child learn how to take responsibility in maintaining harmonious relationships with others.
If you are the one initiating all the repair attempts, you are creating an enabling environment where your child fails to learn how to be accountable for his part when relationships hit a hard rock. On the other hand, if your child is the one initiating all the repairs then you could be using your teen to meet your emotional needs. It is morally reprehensible to expect your child to be responsible for how you feel.
4. Truly hear and validate your teen
Teens and young adults make a lot of decisions and choices. this is because of the increased quest for autonomy and individuation. Cultivate a habit of hearing the reason as to why your child makes certain decisions before offering your suggestions. Validate their reasoning before bringing to their awareness the things they had not factored in. The more they feel heard and validated by you, the quicker they will learn how to self-validate and not constantly seek others people’s validation to feel good about themselves ot the choices they make.
When you criticise their choices over and over without listening, two things may hinder them from experiencing fulfilment in their relationships. One is they may grow up being afraid to speak up for themselves and becoming overly acquiescent. Two, they may crave for total control within relationships to avoid being unheard. Both extremes are unhelpful in friendships and relationships.
5. Model setting boundaries and respecting them
Boundaries are psychological barriers we set up with others regarding how we wish to contribute to the relationship, our needs, our non-negotiables and what we will and will not tolerate. Boundaries also mark where individuals are and where the relationship begins. It clearly demarcates where the I starts and ends as well as the starting and end of we.
Boundaries are key in fostering respect and personal privacy in relationships. For example, if I set a no entering my bedroom before knocking boundary, I give my child a chance to show respect in the relationship. Boundaries help parties in a relationship maintain their individuality and sense of self. When you model it in your teen, you show him how not to be mistreated in a relationship. You also teach him how to treat others by honouring their boundaries.
In my course GIRLS TO RESPONSIBLE LADIES, I clearly explain to the preteen and teen girls the three important boundaries – physical boundaries, emotional boundaries and sexual boundaries. They aslo learn how to identify, act and when necessarry report those who violate these boundaries
6. Openly share your feelings, opinions and needs without fear of judgement
Being vulnerable with your child models how to be vulnerable in them. To be vulnerable with your child means being sagacious on what to share with him and what to keep private. This could be what you like about the relationship with your teen, what you would like improved and the future you hope for with him. The other issues going on in your life should be shared with other emotionally mature adults who have the emotional capacity to hold space for you. Your child is not your therapist.
When you openly share opinions, needs and feelings about the parent-child relationship you have with your child, you open the communication line for him to also share his opinions, needs and expectations. This is something each one needs to be able to articulate in their intimate relationships and friendships.
7. Live by your values and encourage your teen to do the same
The values we embody define who we are. They help us maintain our sense of identity within relationships or when in a group. As your teen grows, your values will differ. It is normal because your child is learning how to be his own person without depending on you. When you live upto your values and encourage your teen to do the same, you model authenticity in him. As an example, if your way of relaxing is going for a three hour walk, whereas your child likes reding, encourage that.
Show your teen that you can maintain a close raltionship even if you hold different values in a few areas. Encourage your child to seek relationships with people who have alot of values in common. This makes it easy to get along with others and have fewer relationships hiccups.
8. Celebrate healthy differences, perspectives and disagreements
Healthy differences, perspectives and disagreements are part and parcel of friendships and intimate relationships. In reality, people hold very different views. This is because each one pf us has different upbringing, emotional states, needs, how they interpret things e.t.c. Teach your child that differences do not meant either party is wrong, we see things differently and we need to embrace this so as to get along.
When you model healthy disagreements, you help your teen learn how to speak up, hear others and own his voice. When your teens feel safe to challenge you, he is empowered to challenge what he hears, sees or reads. Your teen needs to grow knowing that he does not have to people please or need others to please him in order to be a worthy friend.
9. Model dependability, accountability and consistency
Relationships are about acountability, dependability and consistency. When you are all these to your teen, you taech him how to show up in relationships that matter and at the same time which relationships to cut out. Your relationship with your teen sets the expectations he will have on his intimate relationships and friendships. If you are unreliable, inconsistent and not dependable, your child will be drawn to friends and intimate partners who bear those traits.
It is therefore paramount that you model healthy relationship standards for your teens and young adult children as they grow. Do this by encouraging open communication on how both of you feel when any of these three traits are violated.
10. Teach your teen red flags in manipulative or abusive people
Teens and young adults have never been in serious realationships that provide the comfort, reassurance and unconditional acceptance like those provided by a family before. As they join high school and college, friendships become their new families. However, not all friends are beneficial. Some teens and young adults have ulterior motives and you need to protect your teen from them.
Some common red flags in manipulative, controlling and abusive ’friends’ to warn your teen about include:
- When your friend cuts you off form your family and other friends
- When your friend is inconsistent, unreliable and not dependable
- When your friend frequently spreads gossip around about other people
- When your friend is addicted to drugs or other substances and is negatively influencing you
- When your friend is encouraging you to miss classes, engage in reprehensible behaviors or if he/she is an inveterate substance user
- When your friend is repeatedly violent towards other people
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